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The Life Of A Transgender Woman

A story of the shame and frustration experienced by a Transgender Woman and how she dealt with a problem created and perpetuated by society.

I know scores of Transgender women who will tell a story similar to mine. At a very early age, some of us Transgender girls were told, "Boys don't do that!" and we believed it. We kept the girl a secret. She was buried in the deepest corner of our soul. I, for one, spent my life hoping for a cure, so I could be rid of what seemed to be a curse. The cure would come: when I started college; when I turned 21; when I got married; when I became 30; and at nearly every milestone in my life. As a teenager, I even tried to force a cure by throwing away my precious feminine garments that I acquired with difficulty and at great peril of exposure. I thought, "Now I can be normal, like everyone else." I vowed that I would not wear another women's garment again. Never! Ever! It wasn't very long before I violated my vow and started all over again. It took me many decades to realize that there is no such thing -- there is no cure. It is I! It is the way God made me! Everyone knows that no one and nothing can alter God's will.

It was not a sickness, but I was stuck with it. That girl rerfused to stay buried, so I did everything I could think of to express my femininity – as long as it was "in the closet". My greatest fear was that I might be discovered and unable to recover from the shame. The only place I could really be safe was in my fantasies. I generally became the best sneak, liar and faker to satisfy my compelling need, secretly. A simple feminine garment would help me pretend I was what I was born to be, but couldn't be. I silently cried when comedians made fun of the Transvestite, because I identified with her.

As I write this, the tears run unabated down my cheeks. In fact, the tears run freely any time that I think about it. I cry because I realize how sad it is. How very sad! How sad it is that you have to live trying to satisfy a need that must be kept a deep dark secret. What could be more deceptive than a secret from those you are closest to and love? Many “Trans” people are unhappy to the point of self-destruction, even suicide. I am one of the lucky ones. I intuitively knew that I could only do what is possible (in my mind). So I did what everyone expected of me. I generally had a happy life. I loved my spouse, adored my children and was completely devoted to them. Not everyone can do that for very long. Not everyone can be so accepting and disciplined. Maybe I was able to do this because I was very innovative and found ways to appease my compelling need. Now, my wife has passed away and my children are grown. I am free to stop hiding. I am finally free to be myself. I am free, at last, to be open, honest and simply happy about who and what I am and freely do what God intended -- be a woman.

©2009-2010 Joanne Borden